I wish I had a boyband.

Japan is a wonderland of boybands, nearly all ruled over by the ominous Johnny's Entertainment. They have boy bands with anywhere from two to ten members aged anywhere from their early teens to their early thirties, and they also have an army of hundreds (thousands?) of singing, dancing boys in reserve, just waiting for a chance to debut. The most popular boybands get their own TV shows, but none compare to my beloved SMAP (Sports Music Assemble People), who have a veritable entertainment empire spanning TV shows, movies, commercials, voiceover work, English textbooks, sports commentating and really, really terrible pop music. I love them, and my greatest wish is to one day be a guest on the show where they cook a gourmet meal based on whatever genre or ingredient the guest requests. Here I have posted a video from a recent episode of SMAPxSMAP featuring the BSB (they always sing with their musical guests), so that you can get a glimpse of just how effective the SMAP English textbook really is, and how talented they really are. Also, one of them is consistently voted the sexiest man in Japan, but I will leave it up to you, intrepid reader, to find out for yourself.

I'm not going to explain this one, so just watch it.

Once again my day started when a great poop...

There's a series of one minute cartoons on NHK (Japanese bublic broadcasting) meant to teach children about proper use of the potty, including when to go and what to do when you pee yourself. Naturally, I (The Pope of Poop) am fascinated by this show. Here is the first episode I ever saw, which started my obsession:


The song goes something like this:
"Once again my day started/ when a great poop/ came out so today/ I will be so happy/ will be so happy/ will be so happy!


Here's another classic, this time with English subtitles.


And finally, for a bit of tradition (nationalism, even?), the Japanese-style squat toilet version.


My love affair with Pants Pankurou (specifically Toire-sama, or Great And Honorable Mr. Toilet) has been going strong for some time now, and so for our two-year anniversary, Naoya bought me a giant stuffed Toire-sama.

So Hot Right Now

Currently very trendy in Japan

1. Billy's Boot Camp

2. Yoshio Kojima (seen above parodying Billy's Boot Camp), and you should be glad that I didn't post the six minute clip of his retarded, repetitive schtick.

3. "Bitter Caramel" and "Salt Caramel", two flavors that until recently I had never imagined.

4. The Brain Maker http://nounaimaker.com/ which tells you what you are thinking if you type in your name. My brain is mainly sex and secrets, with a little bit of friends and fun. Naoya is all "vacation," with a tiny speck of "money". Sorry, it's only in Japanese (hence the popularity in Japan).

OP-PA-PI!

How to Keep Fit

Yes, I realize that all I ever talk about is Japanese TV, but the very good reason for that is that Japanese TV is freakin' awesome. Here is a sample from one of my favorite short programs from NHK, the Japanese public broadcasting channel. It is called "Salaryman Taiso" or Salaryman Stretches. Theoretically, it is meant to teach businessmen how to stretch, but really it teaches them how to prance like young deer. Please pay special attention to the English at the end. Also, at one point the announcer suggests having your wife put your shoes on for you, and says that such chores are the basis of a successful marriage. I am so glad we have these people to teach us about successful marriages.

Just Now On TV

Just now on TV they showed a boat in Tokyo where you can throw weddings for your dogs. There are dresses, collars to exchange, dog-friendly cakes, a white guy in a priest suit, and at the end they paw-stamp a wedding license and the crew of the boat showers them in confetti. At the end of the piece, the price (16,000 yen/ about $135?) came on the screen and Naoya's reaction was "Oh, we could do that!"

Omae nanka, nigitte yaru!*

*I will fucking squish you into a little brick of rice suitable for sushi, ass-face! (loosely translated)

I am currently in love with two Japanese TV dramas. Unlike back in 'merica, series here only run for one season, during which they tell a complete story (this is why Naoya gets so frustrated with Lost, which he suspects will never have a satisfying ending). The first of my loves, Hana Zakari No Kimitachi E (Tuesdays at 9 on Fuji TV), is the story of a girl who impersonates her male friend and enters a high school for hot boys (and ONLY hot boys) and then falls in love with her roommate. The school nurse is gay and thus recognized her instantly for what she was, but was intrigued and decided not to rat her out. One of the subplots involves a boy who falls in love with her (and gets a nosebleed every time she does something effeminate) and begins trying to accept himself as a homosexual. Every episode also features some kind of competition when the top guys of the school try to prove that they are the sexiest, such as when they recently competed to see who could bring the most sexy girls to a beach party. I am convinced that the main character is perhaps the most obvious girl in the history of cross-dressing, but Naoya says that there were boys in his high school who looked like that.

Second is Sushi Oji, The Prince of Sushi (TV Asahi, Friday at 10, I think), the catch phrase of which is the title of this post. Sushi Oji is the story of a boy who abandons his family's tradition of becoming sushi masters in order to become a karate champion, but destiny inevitably draws him back into the seedy world of competitive sushi-ing. There's a lot of fighting and magical martial-arts action, such as Sushi Oji's father using a battle stance to shape a sushi out of a poop and a leaf. I haven't watched this show often enough to know everything (it's hard to stay home and watch TV on Friday night), but apparently fish eyes drive Sushi Oji into a battle frenzy. In last week's episode, he was about to be attacked by 10 bad guys when his assistant through a tuna head at him. His fury reached new levels and his battle power caused a solar eclipse. Sushi Oji is played by Koichi Domoto, one half of Japan's ugliest and lamest boyband, KinKi Kids, a name which is much less exciting than it sounds.